If Horses Could Talk

Have you ever wondered what your horse would say if he could talk?  I know that I’ve had many occasions where I’ve gotten a “look” from my own horse that if she had the ability to speak would have undoubtedly led to some type of “conversation”.  Aside from the obvious “get your bottom out here earlier to feed me” or “don’t even think about putting that saddle on me today”, if horses could talk, I’m sure, just like humans, they would all have certain personalities that would lead to interesting exchanges.

The Diva

No, I’m not leaving geldings or stallions out on this one, because we all know that they can be just as “diva-like” as our beloved mares.  If the “Diva” could talk:

“You want me to wear that?  What brand is it, and how much did it cost?  I mean, you know that I can’t be seen out here at the barn in anything but the best, I have a reputation to uphold.  These guys all look up to me; I’m the stylish one, I have the prettiest hair, and it’s obvious I come from good stock.”  (Insert tail swish and head toss) “And I think it’s time we had a talk about what you wear out to the barn…”

The Thinker

“It’s obvious we have a difference of opinion on this thing you call a ‘headset’.  Fundamentally, I can see how it would be easier for you if I kept my head lower, but sometimes I think it’s only natural for me to exercise my right as an equine to lift my head up, especially when we’re going passed the judge, because you know that it’s said ‘eye contact’ makes an impression.” (eyes narrow slightly) “I feel that it’s more appropriate for me to position my own head according to the situation; if the others have theirs lower than mine, I’ll stand out, right?”

The Negotiator

“Okay, okay…okay, let’s talk about this.  You want me to get into that box with wheels and I would prefer not to get into it.  You seem pretty serious, because I can see you sweating, and I know we’ve been out here for a while –  because I really have been thinking about getting inside every time I put my front foot up there – but I’m sure that there’s some kind of agreement that we can come to that will work for both of us.” (rests one back foot) “Let’s just take a break for a minute and discuss that feed bag in there; if you put another flake of alfalfa in it, I’d feel a whole lot better.  Also, I’m thinking that the air flow in the box could be a little better, sometimes I get sweaty and you have air conditioning…”

Angry All the Time

“I said I don’t want to, and I meant it!  I don’t like that saddle; you try wearing it and then tell me that it’s fine.  Seriously, it’s too hot to be out there going around in circles – anything over 70 degrees and slightly cloudy is just too hot.”  (rider puts the saddle away and leads horse to the wash rack) “NO!  It’s too cold for a bath.  You know I don’t like to be wet when there’s a breeze out.  Actually, I don’t like to be wet at all, which reminds me that we need to talk about my stall, because when it rains I want to be able to go outside and not get wet…AT ALL.

The Nervous Nelly

“You want me to go down there?  Isn’t there another trail that isn’t so…dark?  Or that doesn’t have so many trees?  Who knows what could be in those trees, seriously, I heard Chandler from the barn talking about this thing he saw out here one time and he’s never been the same.  He has nightmares, you know?” (stops dead in his tracks) “I’m not going down there.”

The Cheerleader

“This is GREAT!  We are getting so much better at this!  Okay, you want me to go through that combination?  I can do that, no problem.  I’ll just keep my eyes on the prize, you know.” (adjusts stride and goes for it) “Did you see that?  Of course you did, it was great, right?” (looks over at another horse) “Looking good Sassy!  You’re so much better than last season!  Keep it up, you’re a rock star!”

The Zen Master

“Don’t think about the jump, instead think about how there really is no jump at all.  It’s just you and me, and we’re under a beautiful sky, there’s a nice breeze, and something is in our way, so we’re going to go over it.  Hold your hands still – breathe – and keep your seat, lean forward a little bit, keep your heels down…” (shakes head) “Actually, just let me do the work.  You relax and just take it all in.  This is your happy place.”


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